I was officially diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease in November of 2013. Even though I knew that I had PD, I was devastated when the diagnosis was spoken over me. Because I had been in denial for so long, the spoken word was all that was needed to send me reeling into a dark depression. Uncontrolled emotions were very new to me also and was very hard to explain.
As I was coming to terms with the physical limitations that are associated with Parkinson’s Disease and trying to “get a grip” on my emotions, I found myself wallowing in the deepest, darkest pit of self-pity that I can ever remember in my life. I spent hours, days, weeks in my prayer closet… My testimony is true: His love certainly did not fail me in my darkest hour. My Lord’s gentle presence was sincerely appreciated … but I wanted answers!
This was an agonizing time of questioning Him, WHY ME, LORD? I begged Him for mercy and complete healing… After all, I didn’t deserve this harsh fate, did I? When I was finally spent and broken before Him, I heard His voice clearly,
“Who will you influence for eternity if I heal you today?”
Just as His answer to His own son’s plea in the Garden of Gethsemane was NO by His silence (Matthew 26:39), I finally understood that I can be a greater witness for His grace as I live out my life with JOY, obediently striving to become the woman of excellence that He has called me to be – in spite of circumstances, not because of them. This is, indeed, my Father’s will. His eyes are on eternity, and temporary discomfort in this world is truly not His focus.
It was during this time that His Spirit began to teach me that, yes, things are different; but I still had work to do in His name. And, true, I cannot do the things I’ve always done in the same way that I have always done them; but His work will be completed nevertheless. As these lessons begin to sink into my spirit, the frustration, the fear, and, yes, even the anger slowly began to melt into a renewed determination to seek His direction for my life once again. It was time to take focus off of myself and turn my energy back to the work that God had for me to do.
Out of this valley of desperation the Lord led me to write this daily devotional called #whowantswhatyouvegot?. Every day I write these words of encouragement as an exercise in obedience and ultimate accountability, first to my Lord, then to those who follow me.
Do I have times that my emotions get the best of me? Absolutely… if I focus on ME. Each day I must choose whom I will serve. He has graciously surrounded me with people who love me, help me, teach me, and my prayer every morning is for strength to do what He leads me to do… TODAY!
I would pray that same prayer for you….
Other lessons learned thru this valley…
● He has a plan for me Jeremiah 29:11
● I live in enemy territory Psalm 17:9
● I will not get out alive! Hebrews 9:27
● Of course I will be afflicted in this life. Did I truly think that I would enter heaven unscathed? Psalm 119:71